Mom was palliative for nine months. What was she waiting for? My husband said she was avoiding seeing her husband and her mother. My friends said she never had it so good. Six women that fawned over her, massaged her and fed her big bowls of Haagen-Dazs ice cream. A daughter visiting for extended periods. Life was never sweeter or more precious.
At this stage she had forgotten how to walk and we used a lift to move her to a chair we could wheel outside into the sunshine. We would take her favorite music outside and she enjoyed the warming sunshine of spring. She was squeezing the last little bit of sweetness that life had to offer. A whole basket of fresh raspberries, a dish of good ice cream, the touch of my hand.
Whenever I visited I would give her my expensive sunglasses to wear when she was outside. For her 87th birthday I carefully shopped for a $300 pair of sunglasses for Mom. I visited multiple stores to find the right frame….for Mom. I tried on multiple pairs to get the right fit…for Mom. The right style…for Mom. The right kind of lenses…for Mom. I worked with a care team of six and I warned them that if these glasses got lost and someone was wearing them at the memorial they would have some explaining to do! I learned that the best time to give extravagant gifts is when someone is palliative. Buy them the ring you always wanted, the best stereo for the music you love as the odds of your getting those gifts back are pretty good! I now enjoy wearing that pair of sunglasses. Only used three months and I was heralded as the generous daughter. I think of my Mom whenever I have them on. A win-win.
One of the hardest things I did was signing the MOST M1 order. Do nothing to extend life. The paper sat on my desk making me feel that somehow I had failed my Mother. That after all our struggles, all the problem solving, I had failed. It was counter to every bone in my body and as I write these words almost two years later I immediately started to cry. Perhaps that feeling of failure still haunts me. Damn it. I did my best but in the end it was just not enough. A week after I signed those papers the nurse called to confirm my wishes as my Mom had pneumonia. I said, “Do nothing.” I hung up the phone thinking this is wrong. We are raised to protect human life at all costs and even when it is, ‘time’, it isn’t for those of us that have to make those decisions. I knew it was the right thing to do, that Mom would be okay with the decision but my stomach churned for weeks. I decided to no longer extend Mom’s life but I also decided to make those finals days the very best they could be and that thinking over the next nine months guided all our care plans.
Leave A Comment