I lived five hours away from my mother’s home and managed a team of six long-distance. The keywords were, ‘trust’ and ‘change’.

I would just put together the perfect team and there would be infighting over a toothpaste cap left off or a glass in the sink or crumbs on the counter.   I hired a lovely person that had a difficult personality when working with others and took hours of my time in counseling and mediation.  The daily logbook became a complaint book that was not patient centered.  This was the most important part of my job and I was doing it badly.

As Mom’s disease progressed I needed to put more and more care into the house.  My Dad was also living in the house and unable to contain his frustration when dealing with Mom and unable to help me with the planning and care.  “Dad, do you know what your favorite word is?” Him, “No” Me, “Exactly.”

I hired women that dressed and conducted themselves inappropriately. I saw one care aid lean over and wrap my father’s head in her breasts to give a good night hug.  He looked up at me from between her massive breasts with a silly grin on his face!   One care aid did a ‘pop the balloon’ birthday dance, fortunately, she was wearing clothes and the other gave him a gift of massage oil. What was he to think?  He was enjoying all the attention and life was improved for Mom, if still not great.

Eventually I had to take my Father to a lawyer to have workplace harassment explained.  The lawyer was kind and understanding and much to my surprised assured me this was not an unusual consult. He shared a story of someone else’s father that had started making obscene phone calls. It was a relief to know that other daughters had to deal with this embarrassing side of an aging parent and I was not alone in my discomfort. I hired better in the future.  I was learning slowly!

The care aide that gave Dad the massage oil was also a staunch supporter of Mom to the point of removing my Mother from my Father’s anger and having the police show up on her doorstep. 100% there for my Mother and putting herself in the middle of high family drama.  I also had my Father fall in love with the sweetest care aid that managed him so gently and kindly and appropriately but still was able to acknowledge that spark in an old man’s heart.  I am forever grateful to her for that bit of sweetness that she added to his life while he coped with his own aging and the tragedy of Alzheimer’s

I hired a manager to manage onsite as I was too far away.  And then I let her go.  I created a logbook that was task and information specific.  I did more and more training. I had a dress code. I avoided professional care aids as they were not able to offer the level of compassion I was looking for.  And I never gave up and never quit trusting in the good in people.  I hired people that were compassionate but lacked good judgment. I only hired one thief so certain drugs were monitored extra close.

I interviewed one woman that referred to my mother as an object and would not stop talking. She had a stern and sour face and I knew immediately she would not be a new hire.  Eventually, Dad took Mom’s hand and they snuck off to the bedroom.  I spent another half hour trying to get the woman to leave. Finally she was gone. I opened the bedroom door and Mom and Dad were sitting on the edge of the bed holding hands.  They looked up at me and I was reminded of the scene from Mary Poppins, my parents were the Bank’s children. I prayed that Mary Poppins would show up soon!